Endurance and Clenching Jaws

Feeling held -- lips abound
parting precipices giving nothing

awkward

The like is seen, but can't find it's way
beneath the sheen coating
Partly because the nervousness,
but otherwise the mind unstirred

knowing what
thinking that
killing thus

A shaky departure holding on
to what is and what was and what may and what will
and what was undone
fulfilled.

The meeting complete.
The apartment unkempt.
Live in this place.

You will see.

Oh you will see.

The better begins one step at a time.
The better. The better.
Always better.

Conceived from rich and brought down in taste
I lived in the hills. I lived in the hills.
This waste is now me.
Me only me.

Condensed. Subside. Subsidize my mind.
I bid you farewell.
Hope to see you again.

Stars grace the ground and arose a rose on arm.
Goodbye time unspent.
Hello tomorrow -- says bottle hello.
Uptown away.
Fancy away.
Veneer.
Sheer veneer.
I see through you.
I see through you today.

Hmm

I posted a new poem, but I want to begin writing dialogue. For dialogue I need some genius premise which over the past 4 years I have been unable to grasp. If I sit down intending to brainstorm and decide my mind goes blank. So: if anyone reads this -- give me a sample premise and I will practice dialogue using said premise. Godspeed.

GO!

a shapely concrete discovery

controlled chaos and The Collapse
financing; bounded; commandeering; collecting
life colored corpses
vessels filled and filling
me, mine, and yours
reach into pockets deep
flow kindly into the mouth of the desperate
seek the mundane
mounds stacked
flashy, dangling
I discovered the fantasy
time travel works in one direction
forward
but backwards to make truth revealed
the whole Truth
Jean Luc -- please -- warp speed
what will be will be, so
please bring me to what will be.

Needing.

Inspiration. Badly.

Same place. New time.

I flew in to Phoenix last night expecting something similar to a heroes arrival. Friend splashing waves of missed affection at my feet and reminiscing of times not shared together. Instead, I find myself with a lack of words. No positive criticism and no hope for a brighter tomorrow. No future goals set in place and no plans to break free of my monotony. Where do I go from here? How does my productivity increase and how do the synapses in my brain begin to catch some lightning? What do I take from here? This all seems so familiar, but vicarious. I'm sharing in this wasteland I left and breathing in the stale desert heat that I feel beating down on my neck. It's not as bad as I remember it, but it sure doesn't feel like home.

This is what I feel like today.

Infectious caffeine and the dream of being something bigger than what you currently are. They keep us moving and driving and striving and trying. No matter what the past provided us and what the future brings, motivation still stirs us to action or inaction. Either complying or competing with our current situation, accepting defeat or seeking revenge, pleading guilty or fighting the inevitable, we make choices of massive proportions.

I still smoke.
I have yet to learn how to keep money in my pocket.
I still don't know how to place the blame on myself.
I was a compulsive liar as a young child.
I am not what I expected or wanted to be.
I accept that.
I am still growing.
I am still learning.
I am loved.
I take that for granted.
I have little to no self control.
I am working on that.
I have ideas.
I fervently wait for the future.
I need to fervently act instead.
I am empathetic, but expect sympathy.
I hold on to the past too much.
I need to grasp and cling to the present.
I will find my own way.

So. Help me. Or don't. Like I said, I can find my own way. Sometimes I generalize my feelings and assume that everyone is suffering from the same ailment. Unfortunately, we all have our own demons, diseases, and addictions. The first person to look to for help is ourselves. Stop depending. Stop leeching and feeding. Count your blessings. Prove that you are worth more than an empty vessel. Shout and reach out. Spread your love and strength and glorious confidence. Carry those you love to safety. Reward your blessings and show them your appreciation. For those in your past have gotten you here, so take the baton and run.

I sometimes sound crazy.
I always enjoy that fact.

So. As much as I hate old people, the fact that I got a call back today from some retirement community about a serving job in one of their restaurants made me smile. As much as I hate to admit it, McDonald's didn't call back. Staples didn't call back. Red Robin didn't call back. Chevron didn't call back. Nope. The damned people who take care of old people called me back. ME. I hate the elderly, but sometimes they make me smile.

Self-Install

Plug port
Three-fourths
Through and under
in -- to
bridges. Folding over
Writhing my wrist
Never stops to
wither.
Weather. pitter-patter.
Drop in -- to
eyes. Close the
windows. Re-boot
resist and repel and refrain.
Hold back -- tears
ethereal material.
Electrical -- components, flesh.
Formidable and foreboding.
Clap : Clap : Clap
Off. Over. Under. On.

Hopefully I'll start writing again soon, but this will be changing to a combo blog/poetry/whatever-the-hell-I-feel-like-saying kind of deal.

To do list:
Get a job.
Get new friends in the area.
Get a real bed.
Get a microwave.
Get a TV for my room.
Find a good bar within walking distance.
Play sanctioned MTG.
Start using the fitness center.
Write something.
Join a softball league.
Buy a basketball.
Find somewhere to play basketball.
[[Insert a bunch of other things that I am surely forgetting]]

GO!